It’s Saturday night and as the rest of the single world goes out to meet each other, I’m sitting in my bed at 8:41 PM hoping I fall asleep soon.
It’s not that I don’t want to meet someone. It’s not that I don’t want the possibility. It’s just that I won’t find what I want or need at a bar or a club on a Saturday night. I mean sure, we all go out sometimes, even me. And maybe tonight is that night that someone like me, but male, gets dragged out of his bed at 8:43 PM on a Saturday night. And maybe tonight I’m not there to meet him. Maybe tonight I miss my chance, even if those odds are one in a million.
But then I realize, I’m not going to be the person who wants to go out all the time and stay up all night and drink to excess. That part(y) of my life is over, and to sit in that club or bar is like me presenting myself with certain interests in a form of myself that no longer exists. So how could I even meet ‘him’ under such false pretenses?
Then again, I can be sure I won’t meet him sitting in my house either. If I could, well then, either I have a bigger problem, or I don’t need to anymore, or I’m a terrible person looking to cheat on my significant other. (Helpful hint: that’s what Tinder was made for.)
I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations, or if I just won’t go for anything less than the dream, and every girl knows what I’m talking about. Maybe I’m not tolerant enough. Or maybe what I’m looking for no longer exists in our current culture. In the same way I would be terrified to raise my children in a culture that prizes money and greed and Kardashian role models, that has a starving model’s photo on every corner telling us that is the only acceptable standard of beauty, maybe those lessons cultivate a man I’m not interested in meeting.
As a woman, I have to admit I’ve never thought about how those messages and images, that I know hurt women, impact a boy as he grows. However, I’d be very interested to find out.
Our culture has invested a lot of time and money into getting us to play an image. We’re supposed to work towards getting hundreds of likes on social media, and hold our online face as the best and truest form of self. We all know it’s really the least honest, most time consuming fake career you will ever have.
I mean really, how many times have you taken the same photo, criticized it for some aesthetically displeasing (in your mind) reason, and deemed it unacceptable to go on Facebook or Snap Chat (or Instagram and God knows what other apps you may be enough of a masochist to use just to tell yourself your never good enough)? I mean, how can you possibly compete in a place full of celebrities and stars? You probably won’t get as many likes as Selena Gomez.
It’s ok. I promise. The world will go on. Day will turn to night. And, guess what? Tomorrow you can try again.
And fail. (See the sad cycle we’re starting here?)
Maybe I don’t get the appeal of the ‘fame’. I’m more of a keep in the shadows, hang in the background girl myself. The pressure of the limelight and all the eyes on me tends to make me more self-conscious and less brave, especially if I care about what I’m doing. My best work is done where no one watches, where I only have myself to judge me (don’t worry, I’m harsh AF), and where everyone else has given up. That’s when I thrive. Not that anyone will likely ever see.
I’m that girl that wants someone to be a partner and walk into the light together. Someone who makes me safer and more secure on my own by their side. But, I’m not sure that exists in this culture anymore.
We’ve forgotten how to lift each other up. We’ve forgotten how to support the people and the world around us. We’ve grown apart and not together. And I think that’s now ingrained in our society.
So if I’m looking for partnership, and safety, and comfort, from someone who still pushes me to be more, can I really expect or hope to find that in a shamed, conformist society? Can I really find that in a place devoid of community? Can I really find that in one of the most selfish places on earth?
In an age where more and more people (Tony Robbins, Marie Forleo, etc.) can make a crazy good living preaching about community, kindness, and coming together, how are we still further and further apart? Is it all for naught? Isn’t the fact that they have found such a big hole in our society and used it to earn bank on the market a big, flashing, Boston Citgo like sign?
I’m done caring about opinions of those around me; it hasn’t worked. And if you think it has for you, I beg you to think harder. Who do you want to be independent of what you’ve been told? What do you value in yourself past what society has prioritized?
So many times I’ve thought about packing up and leaving this place, moving somewhere else, far away, trying a different culture, seeing if maybe I finally don’t feel like the outsider somewhere else. But, alas, I have responsibilities to lives that live here, and more than that, lives that love their lives here. And they will always rank above me on the needs list. So, I guess that outside perspective, that other culture, that worldly someone will just have to find me here.
So, off you go universe. You’ve got a big order to fill.
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